I found a pair of mating japanese beetles. They are not rare. They damage grape crops and other things as they devour the leaves. So I did not feel too bad about capturing the pair mid-coitus. The male didn't mind either. But the female was less pleased about it. So I opened a beer and thought I'd watch.
(Try reading HE with a John Cleese voice and SHE a little more Catherine Zeta-Jones.)
INT. METAL BOX WITH GLASS LID--DAY
SHE
Oh my god! We aren't on the leaf anymore! Where are we?
She Beetle frantically runs around inside the small container.
HE
Hold on. I'm not done yet...
SHE
Oh, I think you are. We are trapped dammit! Come on, climb the sides and help me find a way out.
HE
Babe, I am thrilled you finished, but if you could...just...get back here...
SHE
Stop panting like that you are wasting oxygen!
HE
Ouch! Hey! That was my leg. Ouch! That was my face. What do you think you are, a Black Widow or something?
SHE
You didn't care when I said "ouch." That thing is barbed! Do you have any idea what that feels like? Forget it. Listen to me. If we don't work together to get the lid off this thing we are both going to die.
HE
Um...would you mind if I finished before then?
SHE
What?! How will it matter if you pass along your genetic code if the vessel you spill it in is dead?! Huh? Where does that get you?
HE
Babe, my options at this point are your "vessel" or this metal one. Honestly, I'd prefer yours.
SHE
Are you feeling dizzy? It's getting hard to breathe in here.
HE
You're larger than me. Maybe you're just feeling the effects before I am.
SHE
It is getting harder to move in here. I can feel my life being drained out of me.
HE
Well, then!
SHE
Get off of me! I can't...breathe...with you...pressing on me like that.
HE
Shhh. Hold still. You're wasting oxygen remember.
SHE
Oh lord. I am going to die like this. Trapped in a box with some idiot male on my back.
HE
Ouch! Quit that!
SHE
I am not...going...to waste...the last...moments of my life...having sex with you!
HE
What else are you going to do?
SHE
Um. I don't know. Anything.
HE
That's really too bad. Because when I first saw you out on that grape leaf I thought you were the most metallic female I had ever seen. The way the sun glinted off your elytra. You took my breath away. All I could imagine was spending the rest of my evening with you. Nibbling on some leaves, getting to know you, making larvae with you.
SHE
You did leave me the soft parts between the leaf veins.
HE
You bet I did. And you know what else?
SHE
What? Tell me now. The light is fading.
HE
Once we were trapped I didn't even care because we were together. And if all I could have for the rest of my short life were these moments coupled with you I would die a happy beetle.
SHE
That was beautiful.
HE
No, you are beautiful
The beetle pair lay exhausted, gasping for breath. Side by side, their legs intertwined.
SHE
I am sorry I didn't let you finish. I would have liked for you to have that. But now it is too late I am so close to gone.
HE
If you would let me just...climb up there...
SHE
No WAY!
HE
Hey! That was my other leg! You might as well just let me because you are going to die first and I'm just going to do it then anyway!
SHE
Not if I make this my last act!
HE
NOOoooooo! That was not my leg!
SHE
Now let's see who finishes first, you grub!
3 comments:
OMG! You are hilarious!
Perfect casting.
They were easy to cast, actually. She was stunning and strong and he was, well, determined in a bumbling kind of way.
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