8 year old fashion advice

Three, young, frosting-covered boys just went into my bathroom. Three, young, frosting-glazed boys came out. Then got sent back in. Then came out fairly clean. But then the smallest of the smalls told the tallest of the talls, "Hey! You have to dry your hands!" And the tall one told the small one, "That's why I wear pants."

I guess if he could figure out how to avoid washing his hands he wouldn't need pants at all.

Seems like a New Year's resolution worth working toward! Have a safe night, everyone!!

Field Notes

Species: Lumatode solsticia (largest of the Nematodes, surpassing the previously-thought largest 8 meter long Placentonema gigantisma found in the placenta of a sperm whale)

Range and Habitat: Originally they were unique to North America, but the past 2 decades have seen unprecedented growth in their population across the globe. Historically, growth rates had been thought to be concurrent with economic growth. But recent analysis indicates this is not the case. Adult L. solsticias are most common from November through January, attached to both the interior and exterior of human dwellings and vegetation. Though it is not uncommon to see them outside of these months.

Appearance: The nocturnal Lumatode solsticias may look like hundreds or even thousands of small lights ranging in size from 1cm to 4cm. Each strand can be a single color, or even multiple colors. These nodules produce a luminescence as a by-product of their parasitic digestive process. But these nodules are not individual beings, rather they are the reproductive egg cases of the larger organism. The average Lumatode is 3m in length though it is not uncommon to find them as long as 12m in length. The body (corporeal strand) is a thin, flexible, rubbery substance usually a shade of green but also found in black. Albino Lumatodes are less frequent with a mutation rate of approximately 1/24,500. These are not to be confused with the green-bodied white noduled variety. True albino mutations possess both white/clear nodules and a white corporeal strand.

Reproduction: All adult Lumatodes are hermaphroditic, having male reproductive organs at one end and female reproductive organs at the other end. They are not, however, self-fertilizing and must be plugged in to both a host and at least one other Lumatode in order to produce and combine mature sperm and ovum with another Lumatode. Interestingly, only the male end of the Lumatode can connect to a host organism. After the egg casings have been fertilized, they require 6 to 7 months of dormancy to fully mature into adult Lumatodes with reproductive capabilities. The ideal setting for this is in a cardboard box stashed away in a basement, attic, or warehouse space. If allowed to remain attached to the host organism year-round, the parasite can maintain its own health, but will not produce offspring. Fossil records indicate that past iterations of the Lumatodes had some distinct differences in their reproduction. The extinct L. americansis, for example, was particularly fragile. If one egg casing died, they all died. The modern L. solsticia has evolved an open-circuit system so the loss of one egg casing does not influence the rest of the corporeal strand. A useful mutation indeed!

Parasite/Moderator/Host Relationship: The most unique aspect of this 3-way symbiotic relationship is that the luminescent quality of the egg casings attracts the moderating species. The moderating species intentionally collects the Lumitodes and actively attaches them to the host organism. The necessary qualities of a host are fairly basic. As long as there is a source of electrical current and a corresponding female receptacle, the Lumitode will thrive.

Public Health Concerns: The effects of the Lumitode solsticia on Homo sapiens is indirect in nature. Mainly in the form of increased electrical bills and millions of wasted kilowatt hours. Negative global ramifications are clearly documented, and yet the humanoid continues to play moderating species in greater numbers every year. It is suggested that there may be a chemical component to this compulsion. Perhaps in the form of a pheromone given off by the Lumitode, or even the humans release of endorphins upon viewing the conglomerate of Lumatodes. It is theorized that the Lumatodes ability to blink and flash may have evolved to promote this relationship. But the scientifically agreed upon theory is the basic tendency of the human to compare and increase when assessing the possessions of their neighboring humans. Also a concern are the increase in auto accidents when drivers are distracted by the ostentatious mating displays.

Other notes: Other Species within the Lumitode Genus include: L. nuptulis, L. promic, L. photographica-oportunis, and L. hootenany-alcoholis. Current research is focusing on the development of a possible new Species in the past 10 years. DNA analysis is looking to see if the "icicle lights" are simply a variation within L. solsticia or if the mutation has become an entirely new species. If so, this rapid rate of evolving could be both caused by and contributing to Global Warming.

The things we learn when we listen

Little C was helping me make breakfast just now and this was his running commentary:

If our Substitute Gym Teacher was here making cheesy bagels we would have to line up tallest to shortest. Then we would have to get EVERYTHING out of the fridge, take the stuff we needed, and put the other stuff back before we could do anything. And she would be like, lounging over there somewhere. Sheesh.

I have clearly gone into the wrong line of work. Substitute Gym Teacher sounds like a perfect mix of lounging with a VonTrapp level of obedience I rarely see.

The gifts keep coming!

Guess what else I got for Christmas? Give up? How about some clues?

it involved needles...

a doctor or two...

lead aprons and bullet-proof shields...

it got rid of the pain in my ass...

it rhymes with hemorrhoids...

and is totally legal!

Now do you give up? Steroids! Specifically, Cortisone injections in my SI joint and surrounding tendons. Mama-likey. By the time I got home, the nerve block had gently leaked into my leg and guess what? Zero pain on my left side. Like NOTHING! And this time, when I cried, it was not because I hurt. It was relief. Unimaginable relief.

And I knew the local would wear off. And I did follow directions and take it easy. In fact, the doctor told Moose to carry me around on a pillow, get me anything I ask for, and hire a housekeeper. No joke. I love that woman.

If you are squeamish, you can stop right here. But because I kind of like gross medical things (ok, I love them) and I might not be the only one, I will share this with those of you like me: when the needle punctured the joint space it HISSED!! Like opening a bottle of root beer. There was negative pressure in there. Not anything you would find in a healthy joint.

While I am back to about 80% of my usual pain tonight I am not having any muscle spasm. I also have some hope that when the steroids take effect over the next few days I might actually feel that good again!

"A Three Hour Tour..."

There is a new little spot on my mapping widget (it tells me where you guys are, not who you are)....right in the ocean off the west coast of Africa. It is labelled "unknown."

At first I was very excited that one of the Professor's inventions might have worked without Gilligan messing it up....and maybe with his fermented coconut milk powered internet device he somehow, in some miraculous event, stumbled upon 4go4e.

But then I thought, "In this day and age, no place should be unknown." So if it was you visiting us here...let yourself be known! Stand up and be counted! I am dying to know where you are. Really.

Fridge Magnet Poem: for Sweet Lorraine

While not technically a Haiku...

...I thought you would appreciate the three extra syllables.

Confusion says....

I have had a fascination with Mah-Jongg since I was a little girl. My Hawaiian Aunt had a very beautiful set. And I have fond memories from the age of 12 nibbling her thin, homemade butter cookies and watching my beautiful baby cousin sleep to the sound of clicking tiles and chattering Aunties.

Yesterday morning there was a heavy box under the tree with my name on it. And when I unwrapped it, I was completely surprised to find a Mah-Jongg set. Good job, Moose! Nothing compares to the solidity and satin finish of a Bakelite tile. They smell like the keys on my Grandmother's Organ (she used to play music for silent movies!). And when no one is looking I love the coolness of the buttery plastic against my lips.

But I have never played an actual game of Mah-Jongg. Excited to finally learn, I dove into the instruction book this morning. Oh Dear. I think they skipped step one which should have been "drown yourself in gin if you want this to make any sense." And since it is a tad early in the day for that, I will console myself with building pyramids for now.

I Swear I am Not This Stupid

So.....(you knew this one had to start with a "so...") Moose is off work for a couple of weeks and today we went out for lunch with our charming nephew and his lovely wife. And since we had all been just sitting around in our pajamas 10 minutes earlier (they stayed over night) I did not put much thought into what I would be wearing to lunch. I mean, I brushed my hair AND my teeth. That seemed like enough.

Turned out it wasn't.

I threw on a J Crew t-shirt under a cardigan and went about my afternoon. Which included some incredible tortilla soup, the coffee shop, and then picking up kids from school. Only, when I got to the grade school I glanced down.

My t-shirt was...UNBUTTONED!! Like....a good three inches lower than I would ever EVER wear it. See, last time I wore it I had a nice citron tank under the navy blue with the small ruffle. Only, today, I did not wear another shirt under it. Nor did I re-button it.

So I squeal in the parking lot, duck behind a car, and try to reassemble my dignity. And Moose looks at me all "What? It was like that at the restaurant too."

And NO ONE told me!!! Well, that is not entirely true. Turns out the waiter might have been trying to tell me something. (And I just thought he had some Margarita salt in his eye.)

FYI

I get absolutely giddy when I see new visitors pop up on my mapping widget! Welcome to Cairo, Sydney, Surabaya, Allahabad, Tempe, Jakarta, Mesa, Woodland Hills, Tampa, River Falls, Inver Grove Heights, Karlsruhe, and Medole!!!

Here we go!

Darling Miss M....Middle School was not designed for one as wise as you. They are kind of counting on a little more insecurity and unsureness. You knock them on their ass, Dear. I love that!!!

Miss M: Mama....? A boy's social status is higher if he has a girlfriend. And a girl's social status is higher if boys like her. So...today....David was avoiding me. And on Friday he was trying to find the right words to ask me out.

Mama: What did you say to him on Friday?

Miss M: I ran the other way.

Mama: Hmmmmm.

Miss M: And today, I just carried all of my books from first and second hour around until after lunch when I know he is not by his locker.

Mama: Ok.

Miss M: And Louise thinks I should be his girlfriend.

Mama: She does, huh? What do you think, Baby?

Miss M: Well.....I want to tell him I will be his normal friend because I do not think I am old enough to be anybody's girlfriend.

Mama: Seems like the best answer.

Miss M: Cause like, HEY!!! I am ELEVEN! Maybe he should call me in three years.

Mama: Do you sort of like him?

Miss M: Just as a normal friend. It is ridiculous that a girl would like a boy just because he likes her.

Mama: Yes it is, Doll. Do you see why he would like you?

Miss M: Because I was nice to him when other kids were teasing him. And because I would talk to him when his other girlfriend broke up with him.

Mama: You are a good person, Miss M. That is what he sees in you.

Miss M: I know.

Mama: I am very proud that you are not willing to compromise yourself for a higher social status.

Miss M: Me too!

You ARE eleven! That is half-way to 22. And while I know there is a lot of adolescence coming our way, I am feeling like I just passed my midterms with all A's!

A humble observer...

Young Lady at the shoe store this morning at 10 am....I imagine this is how your morning played out:

The unusually small and saggy mattress shifted a bit and she realized she was not at home even before she opened her eyes. The grey light filtering in through the egress window gave no clue to the time of day. But over there, on a desk, were her True Religion jeans and the hot pink, sequined top she wore to the bar last night. Where were her UGGs? She was seriously going to be pissed if she lost her black Elseys.

She heard a shower start outside of the room so she figured she had time to sit up and look around. Brrr, it was cold in here! She climbed out of the bed and stepped into her jeans. And there, under her clothes was a nice surprise. At least her Dooney and Bourke East/West Tote was here.

Hmmm. Pottery Barn Kids curtains and bedding. A movie poster from Dragon Ball-Z. And a shelf full of figures from those stupid Japanese cartoons. Good God. Did she sleep with a Geek? Across the room was a second desk with a full-on hard core gaming console set up. Shit. She did.

A dog barked. At least he doesn't have cats. Nothing worse than a single gamer with cats. Unless it is.....

She heard a woman's voice talking to the dog. The door to the room was not closed all the way and she quickly ducked down beside the bed. Her heart was pounding. What did she get into last night? Oh hey! There were her Elsey boots.

The woman knocked on what she assumed was the bathroom door and shouted, "Good morning, Sweetie!" There was a muffled reply from in the shower. Foot steps on the stairs. Then the shower turned off.

She quickly jumped up and checked her hair and face in the surfboard shaped mirror. Dang! That hairspray really did hold. But she was missing one of her eyelashes. She quickly pulled the other one off, rubbed her front teeth with an index finger and waited.

He came in wrapped in a towel and pulled the door closed behind him. "Did my mom come in here?" he asked nervously.

"Nope," she replied with a smile. He was totally hot. What a relief! Also pleasing was the fact that the woman was his mom and not his wife.

She stood there awkwardly while watching him dress with his back to her. Nice ass. Lucky jeans. She might just be able to overlook the computer games.

He turned to her. "Um, can I give you a ride back to the bar? Is your, ah, car there?"

She put on her perkiest face: "Oh! Which bar did we meet at?" He mumbled the name of one of the places she and her friends had planned on going to last night. "Yeah. I don't think I drove last night."

His face fell. "I could, uh, give you a ride home I guess."

She grabbed her purse. "That would be great!"

"You have to be totally silent getting to the garage, ok?"

"Sure!" she smiled, adding a big-eyed blink and a nod so he would know she understood. Tipping her head slightly she asked, "Did I have a coat?"

"I didn't see one. Here," he said and tossed her a fleecy hoody. She caught it and put it on thinking how sweet he was to give her his sweater.

At the landing half-way up the stairs he opened the door and shooed her into the garage. "Mom?" he shouted, "I am going out for Starbucks!" and quickly pulled the door closed behind him. He grabbed his keys off a hook on the wall.

"Who keeps their car keys out on a wall in the garage?" she wondered to herself. When the garage opened she had her answer. The Suburbs. Good God. What did she get into last night?

She climbed into the passenger side of his compact SUV. "I love Starbuck's," she offered.

"Um, sure. We could grab coffee, I guess. Where do you live?"

"Near campus. On Third and Washington."

His attention perked up. "Oh! You go to the U?"

"Nope," she giggled. "My cousin does. I just live with her."

Did he just slump a bit in his seat?

Pulling out of the neighborhood she looked around. "Where are we?" she wondered aloud.

"Um. I live in Timberdale." At least it was an affluent suburb!

"Oohh!" she cooed. "Isn't there a DSW Shoe Store out here?"

"Yeah?" he cautiously answered.

"Can we stop there? I want to see if they carry the replacement liners for UGGs."

"I....guess," he said. What the hell did he get into last night?

On the job

Moose and I are off to wrap up the holiday shopping. The Cygnets are home cleaning their rooms. And once they feel ready to present their spaces, they will be subjected to a peer review process. Any areas of concern brought up during this evaluation will need to be remedied prior to watching any television.

And all of this, brought to you by Miss M. She makes parenting easy!

Daddy Likey: MEGA EXCITING CLOSET CONFIDENTIAL GIVEAWAY BONANZA

Send Nona a little love, would'ja?

Not only is she a fabulous person who deserves all of the accolades, her book is terrific, and the goodies in this giveaway are quite fantastic. (There are cookies!)

Daddy Likey: MEGA EXCITING CLOSET CONFIDENTIAL GIVEAWAY BONANZA

Helping Hand

When I got to school this afternoon to pick up the boys, Ms. Principal was standing with her keys in her hand and a scowl on her face. I assumed it was not a child she was irritated with because she was aimed outside. I, being on friendly terms with the lady, asked if she needed anything. Turns out, she wanted to use her remote start on her car but the buses had already pulled in and she couldn't get a signal through them. And I, being bundled still, offered to go start it for her. I think she cried a bit in her thankfulness.

But, you see, the thing with my OCD is that I don't remember I have an "issue" until I am in the middle of checking and re-checking something. So when I stood next to the bus and pushed the button I saw her headlights flash. But wait! Did that I mean I unlocked the doors? Or did I lock them? Or did I actually start the car? And if I push the button again to be sure will it set off the alarm?

So I went a little closer. I thought I could hear it running. But it is a parking lot. How could I be sure that was HER car I heard? So I went a little closer. I know that is exhaust coming out, but maybe it stared and then stopped. So I had to go and touch the back of her car. And then I had to touch the hood. And lean in and listen. And stand there looking like I was molesting the principal's convertible. Unsatisfactorily, I might add.

And by the time I got back in the building Ms. Principal was back at the door with the same look on her face. And I know she was just starting to wonder if I maybe stole her Sebring. So I had to explain why the remote starter concept is sort of lost on me. (Sigh.)

The Reason For The Season

Little C is under the impression that the holiday lighting is part of his nightclub act. He keeps hauling my kitchen stool in next to the tree....

....and singing Queen's "I Want It All."

Oh, Sweet Baby!

Little C: Am I anything the same compared to what I was when I was little?

Mama: Oh. Yes. You are the same but bigger than when you were little.

Little C: No. I mean, is any part of my body the same as when I was little?

Mama: Oh. That. Just your eyes, Dear.

Little C: What about the rest of me?

Mama: All bigger.

Little C: (Twisted consternation across his face. Clearly, not enough of an answer.)

Mama: (Searching for satisfactory ending to discussion.) Do you feel different than when you were a baby?

Little C: How would I know? I forgot what I felt like as a baby.

Mama: Darling One, I will never, ever forget what you felt like as a baby. (SMOOCH)

Sane Advice

The thought process/action/lingering consequence that lead me to discover this truth was certainly an insane one. So I offer this little gift to you all:

Do not use your vacuum cleaner to tidy up after spilling a packet of Kraft's Cheesiest Cheese Powder. It might seem like the best way to get it out of every crevice in your bamboo floor. You may see no alternative to cleanse the knotty bits of your knotty alder cabinets. But do not do it! That smell will never, ever go away. Your house will smell like crappy convenience food every time you clean. And, should you be a super-smeller like me, one day you might just realize that your floors are a mess because you are avoiding that wave of nausea associated with the vacuum. (Damn you Pavlov!)

Plus, you will save yourself the hollow shame of having to put "new vacuum that does not smell of cheese powder" on your list for Santa on Line One which should be reserved exclusively for "little blue box with big white ribbon."

An Apple A Day...

"That poor piggy was in the orchard when they killed him."

(What Miss M said, very pitifully, when she was 3 and saw a suckling pig at a Hawaiian Luau.)

Dear Cygnets,

Remember all those times I tried to debunk the whole "step on a crack" nonsense? Sure you do. I would talk about how silly superstitions are. And that they are a tool used by the weak minded so they can pretend they have some control in an unpredictable world? Now do you remember?

Oh! Oh! And the funny part when we would stomp on every crack we could find and I'd laugh and say, "See! Not broken!" Remember that too?

Good. Because I take it back. Stop stepping on lines now, please.

-Alpha Mama

Data-Based Decision Making

Sometimes a good old bar graph can help put things in perspective. And sometimes, data collection only leads to more questions. Like: how can the smallest person, with the tiniest clothes, produce the most laundry?

Display of my Psychic Powers

The day will come when you will need to ask this question. And then you will think you need to call me. But know that I have already thought of you thinking it...and am providing the answer in advance. No. Not having any clean clothes is NOT an excusable absence at school. Turns out, it is most definitely inexcusable.