I Have Failed My Family

We pulled out of the driveway just as the sky opened up and rained solidly for half and hour. For those 30 minutes, we were mostly trying to decide on a place to eat as our first choice was too busy to bother getting out in the rain. We finally chose another local spot and as we parked the rain stopped. It was quite fortuitous, as the air conditioning inside was set so cold and so high that we were all shivering. I don't know if I could have stayed if my clothes had been wet.

The waitress asked if we had any questions. Ha! Of course we do. Little C wants to know if he can order a pepperoni pizza with no pepperoni. (Remember, this is the kid who asked a plantation tour guide what 7 times 243 was when he was asked for any questions.) Big C wanted to know if there was meat in the sauce on the mostaccioli. (There was. Pause game to come up with another choice for dinner.) Miss M wanted to know if the tomato-mushroom-bisque soup was with chunks of mushrooms or were they pureed. (Chunks. But she had an available Plan B.)

Eventually we all order. We all talk politely through chattering teeth and finished a couple of kids' menu puzzles. The place was not too busy and it wasn't long before a waitress brought our food out. She was not the one who took our orders. Our waitress had shorter hair pulled back neatly.

Not this lady.

This one had LONG like there-is-not-one-valid-reason-to-justify-hair-so-long kind of hair. It was wound up in a loose, loopy kind of thing that was bouncing against her spine somewhere around C6 or C7. Long chunks were loose and hanging down her back.

My real problem begins here. The inconvenience of the weather and the complaints in the car about every other place we drove by? Sure, they contributed to my choice. But I had only complained about the air conditioning so far.

So...

I was the only one sitting where I could see the waitress carrying out the tray of food on her shoulder. It was dinner for 5. It was heavy. So she scrunched up her shoulder and...hold on while I gag again...balanced it against the side of her HEAD. And when she turned to find an empty table to set it on IT happened. Her HAIR went smack into one of the dishes.

My lips parted to protest but I had a flashback of what it took to get to that table. I had a flash forward to what someone in the kitchen might intentionally do to any replacement food if I bitched about the waitress he has a crush on. I took note that it was not my actual plate involved.

And I

said

nothing.

I slowed my breathing. I averted the anxiety and swallowed the bile rising in my throat. And I ate my dinner. And if the family member who ate the food that was wiped by her snarly mop gets ill, I will feel responsible. But until that happens, I'm not telling whose dinner was violated.

An Invitation

Mama: Hey, Miss M! Do you want to go and get a pedicure with me?

Miss M: NO! Wait...what kind of pedicure?

Mama: The kind where they rub your feet and paint your toe nails.

Miss M: Do they have silver polish?

Mama: I don't know.

Miss M: Can your feet be dirty?

Mama: They wash them. Wait. Come here. Not that dirty! Go wash the mud off your feet first.

PROFUSELY EMBELLISHED

We have books all over our house. Every room. Almost every horizontal surface. But I keep one shelf, appropriately in the main library, for the older books in our collection.

Marvels of Natural History, published in 1897, is among my favorites. I have to confess I have never read it. Not like my collection of John Kendrick Bangs which I read frequently. Nope. I only read the descriptions under the engravings. Here are some of my favorites:

"A HUGE BONE-PLATED ANIMAL" appears under a big lizard from the Sea Reptiles chapter.

"FAMOUS BACTRIAN CAMEL" under the famous bactrian camel. What he's famous for doing, it doesn't say.

"ELEPHANT" under an elephant sweeping the forest floor with a broom in his trunk. Why is he not famous?

"WHITE ANTS AND THEIR SINGULAR DWELLING" accompanies a cross section of what is also known as a termite mound.

"THE FLAMINGO'S STRANGE NEST" precedes "A WREN'S BEAUTIFUL NEST" which always makes me think of growing up with my sister, tucking my head under my wing, and standing on one leg.

Also, there is an entire chapter devoted to Wild Asses and another to the Titmouse. (Yes, I am 12 on the inside.)

The engravings are amazing but the binding is terribly fragile. So fragile, in fact, that I am often tempted to frame a few of the pages. If I can ever bring myself to take a page out, the centerpiece of the display will be the first page inside the cover. There are no images on the page but here is what it says:

MARVELS OF NATURAL HISTORY

CONTAINING A

COMPLETE DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

INCLUDING

MONSTERS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD; WILD ANIMALS OF THE TROPICS AND POLAR REGIONS; BEAUTIFUL BIRDS; CURIOUS INSECTS AND MARVELOUS FISHES

EMBRACING

Their Habits, Modes of Life and Striking Peculiarities

THE WHOLE FORMING

A CAPTIVATING DESCRIPTION OF THE MOST WONDERFUL AND INSTRUCTIVE FEATURES OF THE ANIMAL KINGDOM

BY

HENRY DAVENPORT NORTHRUP

Author of "Earth, Sea and Sky," "From Pole to Pole," "Museum of Wonders," Etc., Etc.

PROFUSELY EMBELLISHED WITH SUPERB ENGRAVINGS

I know this was put in the book to function as a way to entice the reader into buying the book. It is not actually part of the book proper. The fact remains it is my favorite page. I find it such a wonderful example of marketing history that I can't get past it to even read the book! Plus, I hear the page in Yul Brynner's voice. Etc., Etc., Etc.