I Have Fissues

I grew up not eating fish. Oh, my mom or dad would make it. I just wouldn't eat it. Not frozen, not breaded, not freshly caught and pan seared. Not in fingers, fillets, or fast food sandwiches. Not even the canned stuff camouflaged beneath a thick blanket of mayo. None of it. I hated the smell, the texture and the taste. And so did my gag reflex.

The Paella Incident did not win the fish mongers any of my business either. Picture this: fancy dinner party, many friends, hosted by a couple that were sort of new to us. The table was set beautifully. I brought them a CD of Spanish guitar music as a hostess gift (clever, right?) which was playing softly. The mingling and drinking was going very well. And then we all adjourned to the dining room for the paella. My plan was to eat the rice and sausage and have Moose covertly eat the aquatic bits. Except that about six bites into it my tongue got itchy. And then I had to keep clearing my throat. And then I started to slap Moose under the table and tried to tell him we needed to go home. Immediately. I was breathing fine but my tongue was thick and my ears were ringing. So he faked a text message from the babysitter ("There seems to be an issue at home that we need to get back for. The Babysitter is ill. Thank you for the nice evening and we will...." I am not sure how the rest of the conversation went because I was sprinting to the car with my high heels in my hand. Since we only lived a mile away getting home and getting some Benadryl seemed like a priority, we drove there instead of the hospital. But when we got home, there was no adult Benadryl to be found. So I ripped open the baby Benadryl and drank the whole bottle before Moose could find a dosing chart online and do the math to figure out how much I should take. Turns out, for my age and weight, the dose is one bottle.

A few years later I met Sushi. And suddenly, I am no longer a fish-hater. I am just a cooked-fish hater. And also anything with an exoskeleton, a bivalve, moves by jet propulsion, or requires deveining. Because that is NOT A VEIN!!! It crossed my mind that maybe I have outgrown the tendency to retch when fish enters my mouth. So I have recently decided to learn to like fish.

Step 1: Smoked Wild Sockeye Salmon (I started here for two reasons. First, it is acceptable to pair it with gobs of cream cheese. Secondly, it is like the bacon of seafood and how can that be bad?)

Result: If I did not chew it everything was fine, though swallowing the Bagel Chips was rather difficult. I gave it a pass and moved on to the next phase.

Step 2: Broiled Sea Bass with ginger and lime

Result: Itchy, burning eyes. To be fair, those are not to be blamed on the consumption of the fish but the smoke in my house after starting and then putting out a broiler fire. The Sea Bass? I only gagged once eating it and I learned I can eat anything with enough ginger paste on it. It also passes, but just barely.

Step 3: This is where you come in! Any suggestions for the next thing to try? (Post your contributions in the comment section, please and thank you!) In addition to the shellfish allergy there a few things to keep in mind: no smelly fish, no chewy fish, and no fish that looks like a fish. Skin, bones, or eyes are a deal breaker.