Garmin Garmin Bo Barmin

Most of you might not know this about me but I have a hideous sense of direction.  Left and Right I have down pretty well, but the N-S-E-W thing is a little sketchy.  Maps only serve to confuse me.  You see, I do not have an internal compass.  Not true.  I have the internal moral guidance kind of compass.  I do not have the kind that will get me to a birthday party on time.  

In my brain, the places I go are like spots around a circle.  To make matters worse, they seem to be in a random order.  Now my house is in the middle.  To connect my house to any place I like to go there is a spoke.  If I stay on the spokes I am all good.  If I need to get from one end point to another end point I am not so good.  Sometimes, I am embarrassed to admit, I have to drive home before I can go to my next destination.  If I am lucky, then I only have to go back part of the way.

I know the names of the roads and highways but the picture of them in my head never matches any of the maps the Moose puts in my car.  I am usually reduced to calling him in a panic trying to tell him where I am so he can talk me through it.  So dear, thoughtful Moose that he is, he bought me a GPS for the minivan.  (Yes I drive a minivan.  My ego is strong enough to handle it.  Is yours?)  

I call her Miss Helena Handbasket.  It would appear that someone had pre-programmed that in as my final destination.  She tries to be helpful.  We usually get along for about two weeks at a time.  And then she starts with the "recalculating" and the "turn left ahead...turn left now...what is wrong with you?  I said left.  LEFT!"  I am certain she finds me frustrating.  I can hear her eyes rolling and the exasperated sighs.  Then there is the little matter of the road construction that she is always running me into.  Minor detours that end up lasting an hour.  It's ok.  I can always call Moose as a back-up plan.  But the sheer drop into the river?  I am not kidding.  Miss Helena tries to run me off a cliff every chance she gets.  I think my Garmin is programmed for revenge.

But she also finds me coffee.  

And sushi.  

So you see, I am naturally feeling a little torn about the whole thing.  But I am willing to compromise.  I am going to practice with her in Map Mode when I know where I am going.  Perhaps this will help to redraw the Wagon Wheel thing I have going on.  But I need her to try too.  Miss Helena, please use your powers for good.  No more cliffs, ok?  This is a mini van.  Not Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.