You'll just have to read it!

Dear Diary,

I know, I know. It's been a few days since I wrote. Sorry about that. I was waiting for just the right thing to tell you about. I could tell you were getting bored with the usual funny kid/smart kid stories. The corners of your pages curled last time I mentioned the weather. But I have a good one for you today! And every word of it is true.

I hope you'll find it was worth the wait.

I hardly know where to begin. For starters, I am glad I finally went in for a massage yesterday. Remind me to schedule something with Nicole again in a couple of weeks. She has some mad skillz, that Nicole. SO great, in fact, that I was still feeling the effects of it this morning when I went to Physical Therapy. The range of motion on that left hip has improved but the muscle spasms are waking me up at night again. Libby was patient, as usual, and found a few more things for me to try.

But those are not the reasons I am writing today.

When I got home I went to the basement to work on the laundry before getting a little work done and then heading out for a lunch date. You know that inversion table down there? Well, I had shifted it over a bit to get something past it and thought to myself, "Hey, now might be a good time to hang upside down by my ankles, stretch out my spine a bit since my muscles are mostly relaxed right now." I was wrong.

See, when I moved it over I had inadvertently positioned it right under the clothes line that runs across the room. I never even checked the clearance. Hanging upside down felt really good at first but it quickly turned to PANIC when I tried to flip rightside up. The ankle contraption got caught on the clothes line!

I was, quite literally, strung up by my ankles. I was home alone...for the next 5-6 hours...and seriously stuck. The 20 minutes felt like hours, but here is how it played out:

Minutes 1-5

Alternated between screaming for help and trying to calm down. I was thrashing a bit. Swearing a lot.

Minutes 6-10

Spent the time going through all of the scenarios of what happens if I can't get down. Keep in mind this started at 10:10 am. No one would worry about me until almost 3:00 when I was late picking up Miss M. She would eventually reach Moose who would go get her and then the boys and then come home. He would worry. He would call many, many times. I would hear the phone but not be able to answer it. Best case scenario I would be rescued by 4:00. Also, by then I would most certainly have peed my pants. The thought of being water-boarded with urine ran through my brain. I truly began to panic.

Minute 11

Without regard for what would happen next, I pulled and twisted and yoinked out one foot! It was throbbing and bruised but free! Hooray! I mean, SHIT! I was now dangling by one foot. That other foot was not budging. My shirt was falling over my face and I let it fall and yawlped my most Barbaric Yawlp and threw it across the room. It didn't help.

Minutes 12-16

Similar to the first five minutes. I calmed down, I panicked, I calmed down. My foot and leg were killing me. I pressed off the floor with my arms until they could no longer take it. Then I hung from my foot some more. Thought about burst vessels and red eyeballs and realized I would have to get out of this alone.

Minutes 17-18

Did the most intense sit-up of my life and grabbed at Miss M's ballet tights that were drying on the line. Knocked off 4 pair, but managed to grab the last one. Those tights were going to save me! I channeled MacGyver and tied them in a knot. Pulling them to the side and down. Nothing. Tried harder. They ripped! I pictured what Moose and the kids would find when they got home. Me. Dangling by one foot, blood pooled in my now-damaged brain, topless.

Minute 19

An intensity of panic I have never experienced.

Minute 20

I struggled some more. I wondered if I could cling to one side and tip the whole thing the other way. Was I willing to take a possible compound fracture of the ankle? Not if I could help it. I ignored the pain in my foot and ripped it out of the damn ankle vice. I could have lifted a car at that point. But I was not thinking very clearly. And gravity was still working against me. I crashed to the floor in a heap and hyperventilated on the floor. I clung to that cold floor like I had been clinging to driftwood in the ocean, surrounded by sharks, and finally washed up on dry land. Or like I had been lost in the desert and finally found an oasis that was not a mirage. (Fill in more cliches at a later time.)

Aftermath

I caught my breath and cried and cried. Slowly standing, I limped upstairs and called Moose and then cried some more. Then I threw up. And now, every muscle in my body hurts. My eyeball is a bit twitchy. I have a killer headache. My feet are bruised and swollen.

And I may never be able to do laundry again. Ahhhh...the silver lining!

As always, Alpha

{I challenge you...no, I DARE you...to come up with as many similes as you can that relate to my biggest near-disaster to date. I would love to read them! Please post in the comments.}