Monday, March 15, 2010

Not Sold In Stores! Get Yours Today!

Do you love your dog or cat but hate scooping poop? Then do I have something for YOU!! From the makers of Beer Goggles...
The all new Poop Goggles!

That's right, folks. Wait until you see what this amazing new product can do for you! Through the miracle of modern science, we have taken space-age polymers and the newest innovations in air filtration and combined them into ONE AMAZING new product.

They work like this: just sprinkle these non-toxic and non-digestible granules into your pet's food. Then when it is time to do the dirty work, just put on your Poop Goggles.

(A middle-aged man standing next to his sports car) "Oh my! I can actually SEE every poop in my yard! It makes it so easy to find and pick up." (He takes the goggles on and off a few times.) "How do they do that?!"

We'll tell you how, Bob. These specially treated lenses here filter out most wavelengths but through a patent-pending polarization process they allow the non-toxic non-digestible granules to show up brighter than anything around them.

(An elderly woman with six cats crawling on her lap) "I don't have to wonder any more if it's time to clean the litterbox. With these Poop Goggles I can see every little poo and keep the box cleaner for my babies. I can't do that with my regular glasses." (She holds up a cracked pair of very thick glasses.)

Dog poop, cat poop, even hedgehog poop...The Poop Goggles system works for them all!

(A woman, late 30's, sits on her couch in a very filthy living room while her son and dog run all around the room chasing each other, son is wearing Poop Goggles) "What I like best about them is the filter." (She puts on her Poop Goggles.) "It makes having Murphy much more pleasant. I can't smell a thing! I sure wish I had these when Murphy was a puppy! They would have paid for themselves when compared to the cost of replacing all those slippers. And shoes. And rugs." (The camera pans the room...then a Poop Goggle lens is held in front of it. A dozen spots start to glow around the room.)

If you call in the next 60 minutes and mention this ad, we will double your supply of non-toxic non-digestible granules for FREE! That's right, we said FREE! But only if you call in the next 60 minutes. Operators are standing by.

(A young couple are out in their yard with a very small Toy Poodle. Their 4 year old is playing nearby on the swing set. She is wearing a bike helmet, Poop Goggles, knee and elbow pads, and is streaked with sunscreen.) (Mother) "Poop Goggles have given Bella her life back! Before, the yard was just too unsanitary to let her play in it. (Bella takes a tumble off the end of the slide. The mother pokes the father and points at the little girl. He puts on his Poop Goggles, grabs a jug of hand sanitizer, and runs over to clean off the child's hands. Meanwhile, the dog has pooped behind the mother and is eating its own feces. The mother yells...) "Is she ok?" (The father gives her the thumbs up. The mother picks up the poodle.) "Like I was saying, Poop Goggles has made all of our lives better!" (The dog is kissing her face.)

Quantities are limited! Act now! Don't Delay! Order your Poop Goggles today!
(Only 2 easy payments of $19.95. Not available outside the continental Unites States. While the granules are non-toxic, they are not intended for human consumption.)


2 comments:

Lorraine said...

Oh Alpha, I fear you've lost your mind.

Either that, or you're a marketing genius.

But what's up with the "not available outside the USA"??

Alpha Monkey said...

That is my ploy to make you come here!!