You'll be SO proud of me!!

I finally did it and it didn't backfire! I did not have an anxiety "issue" and I didn't even piss anyone off. Just what did I do and how did I do it so deftly? I'll tell you!

But first, you must know, that I have been practicing for his moment most of my life. One of my earliest memories of it not working was when it got me kicked out of church choir. But since that was kind of my claim to fame for many years it wasn't a total failure. Hell, I still pull that one out if I want to sound like a Wild Child. More recently there was that flight. And that Attendant. And the whole Pre-flight Instructions Situation. Yaaahhh...that one was a flop. I was right, I'll have you know. But a failure nonetheless.

During the 27 year gap between those two events the practice has mostly been in my head. But tonight was the perfect culmination of 30+ years of Thinking Something I Want To Say To An Annoying Person And Then...Actually Saying It!

What made this so perfect was that I was not in trouble when I said it (Exhibit A above) nor was I holding up a crowded flight, risking removal from the plane and flirting with police intervention (Exhibit B). I was correcting the pompous clerk at Office Max.

The 20ish check out boy was the only one ringing on a Monday night. There was a line of two in front of me and by the time I was done there were three more behind. Uncommon, I'll admit, for a Monday night. Staffing was clearly an issue. Which is when anyone with retail experience knows...you cut the chit-chat and move the line. Right?

Not this guy. He was clearly under the impression that because we were standing there to see him we qualified as an audience. It must help him sleep at night. How he justifies dropping out of Community College to pursue a smoking Stand Up career in the Midwest. And how he makes it feel ok that he works nights at Office Max but only when he doesn't have a gig. So, you know, every night.

He used BIG words in his repartee like "neither" and "nor." He even used them correctly, emphasizing them and all. What I gathered while listening to his shtick with Customer 1 was that his "persona" is kind of that smarter-than-you-nerd. Character development was a little weak but his timing and delivery were spot on. I have to give him that. What I gathered from his banter with Customer 2 was that he needs to write some more material. Same lines. Same jokes. Same tempo and pause for the laugh. Customer 2 gave it to him too, that wimp! But not me.

(I am going to break this down because I'd like to be able to repeat my success. There is a fine line between public service and being an ass.)

Clerk: blah blah blah...neither A nor B...(run hand through shoulder length wavy hair)...blah blah blah...can I see your card just to verify that you are, in fact, humanoid...blah blah blah...so if you'll just present me with your Herbie Hancock right there on the screen...

Alpha: Are you even old enough to know who Herbie Hancock is?

Clerk: (all bravado fades) Um, well, I saw it on Tommy Boy. He's like a guy from some band or something.

Alpha: Do you know why that line is funny in the movie?

(chirp chirp chirp--those are crickets)

Alpha: (cont.) Do you know who John Hancock is?

(chirp chirp chirp)

(And here is how I know I was still operating in the realm of public service)

Clerk: (nervously) Well, I know his name is what some people say when they ask for a signature.

Alpha: Declaration of Independence?

Clerk: YAH! That guy! He wrote his name real big, right?

Alpha: He did, indeed.

Clerk: (genuinely smiles) Thanks!