cheap remedy

So the gnat bite on the corner of my eye puffed up and filled in those crow's feet quite nicely. For about 2 minutes. Since I happen to be allergic to gnats, I now look like a prize fighter who lost the prize.

Have you ever had your foundation rocked? Not in a "damn...that was...wow, baby!" as you catch your breath kind of way. Though, if you get to choose, that's the one to pick.

I don't mean the "Do you wanna rock!?" variety either. Though, as our list is growing here, that one takes third. Right after, "Want to see my rock collection?"

I was referring to the kind of rocking where you know you will never get up off the floor again. It is not even a question. In fact, if you have ever been dropped like that and you have the where with all to even ask a question then you are only getting close to what I mean.

And if you do get up (and I really hope you do) it is only because the doorbell rang. And standing on the other side of it is a young man offering his tree trimming services for a really great deal because he happens to be in the neighborhood today doing some work for a house around the corner. You'll say "yes" because nothing else will come out of your mouth. And he'll ask you which trees...

And you'll say...

"all of them."

"They don't all need trimming, Maam."

"just cut them all down. all of them."

He'll look nervously over his shoulder to the truck full of his co-workers. They'll be hanging out of the windows looking for a breeze. You will notice that they sent the cute, clean one with all of his teeth to the door. Smart marketing move.

"Um. Are you ok?" he'll ask.

You don't have any questions. You will wonder if you even have any more answers. That "yes...all of them" took a lot out of you. Turns out you only have one more.

"no."

He'll hand you a flyer printed on neon green cardstock. 1/3 of a page. Cut a bit crookedly by hand.

"We'll, um, be in the neighborhood for a couple of days," he'll add.

You'll look in his eyes as he backs away while offering a shyly concerned smile. You will know that he recognizes you. Not you, exactly. But the look in your eyes. The emptiness in your words. The trembling of your hands.

And you'll go back to the floor.

You'll listen to the neighbor's tree branches being chipped and shredded and wonder if the nice boy with all those teeth has been on the floor.

...

Many years later you might experience a moderate rocking sensation again. You may even scout out locations on the floor. But you will be surprised to find yourself looking out a window and thinking how glad you are that you still have all your trees.

Little Old Lady Dog

Sweet Tanner is rather deaf. But I can't complain because she is still jumping into the car and stealing bones from the neighbor dogs at the age of 16. Today I was watching her bark to go outside. I was sitting right by her, she just didn't know it. And being hard of hearing, she barks pretty loud just to hear herself.

So loud, in fact, that her front feet come right off the ground!

fallen apples

This morning when I kissed my little boys to wake them I was again reminded of the cutest compulsive behavior...ever. If you don't believe me, read on dear visitor. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Whenever I kiss Big C or Little C they automatically tap the place I kissed and then press their hands together as if in prayer. They will even do it when in lighter stages of sleep. But they always do it when awake. EVEN if I sneak a kiss in when I pick them up at school. If I kiss them more than once, they will tap and press the exact number of times I made a smooch noise.

And if that didn't get you this might. If they are awake they whisper, "collect it save it." It is the most love-y gesture.

(Miss M has some compulsions too. Like she has to interrupt whatever she is saying if we drive by a Wal-Mart Sam's Club tractor trailer and she says very rapidly, "walmartsamsclub," and then carries on like nothing odd just happened. It is quirky Miss M all the way. And, in my own odd way, I find it as endearing as the "collect it save it" habit.)

Dressing Room Conversation

Lucky: hmmm? i'm not sure that calvin klein shirt is doing you any favors.

Alpha: What? Who said that? (looks around sees no one)

Lucky: know who that shirt would look good on? a 12 year old boy. might want to swing over to intimate apparel too, dear. or maybe just shorten those straps. it'll help.

Alpha: It's you! (takes the sweater down from its hanger)

Lucky: (sigh) that feels better. now shrug up those straps before you try me on.

Alpha: (does what she was told and pulls the sweater over her head) Say now! You are one cute sweater. And look at that! Somewhere between you and my new haircut...my neck looks long!

Lucky: yah. i get that a lot. people love me.

Alpha: You are a deep-v, banded bottom, kimono sleeved hoody, what's not to love? And you feel very soft right off the rack.

Lucky: yah. like you've had me for ages, right? i'm kinda known for that. it's the long cotton fibers. i wash well too.

Alpha: Those are great qualities in a sweater. So why the apathy?

Lucky: hmm. people love me...they just don't $100 love me. i'd say they more like $60 love me. so here i hang. waiting for a markdown.

Alpha: Someone will $100 love you! They will! You just have to be patient. But she'll come for you. I just know it. Maybe if you were a little...I don't know....maybe if you just sighed a little less.

Lucky: what? and act all i.n.c.? like "i know you are a mother of two but if you wear me you can keep those memories of being a slightly-slutty club-hopping 20 year old fresh for a bit longer."

Alpha: I KNOW! Right!? No, I didn't mean like that. 'Cause that's just gross. I was trying to suggest that you have a lot going for you so smile about it! You are a classic color with some amazing details. You are a go-to closet staple, my friend. Not some trendy thing that will get left at the cleaners because someone forgot to come and get you. You can go with dark trouser jeans and heels and look appropriate for a nice dinner out. Or a pair of bermuda khakis and sandals and be right at home at a summer bridal shower. You can even go over a tank with a long skirt and flip-flops and pull off the midwest surfer thing that is so popular.

Lucky: surfer?

Alpha: I know we're functionally land-locked. What can I say?

Lucky: (sigh)

Alpha: There you go with the mournful exhale again.

Lucky: it's just...

Alpha: What? You are talking to me in a box of mirrors...we have no secrets here, Lucky. What is it?

Lucky: it's just that...well...it's not you. you don't $100 love me either. i can tell.

Alpha: It's true.

Lucky: you don't have to smile about it.

Alpha: But I know something you do not know! (pulls something from her purse)

Lucky: (dares to smile) you don't!

Alpha: I DO! And...it's for 20% off. Lucky, darling, today is your day! I $80 love you!

Lucky: you do!? I thought you might be the one when I saw your Artist Circle bag. something about an embroidered bird saying, "Peace!" made me think it might be you! i feel so...lucky!

Alpha: Me too!

Oh, the shame of it!

This is a silk blouse. Top designer. Very upper end. Styled and photographed by professionals which means...this is as good as it will look! I cannot tell you the name of the designer because I can empathize with his or her GROSS embarrassment with this product.

See, I think it must have been some sort of accident. Like a sample from The Vermont Country Store fell in with the samples from this designer at the manufacturing facility overseas. And how could one expect underpaid, undereducated, underage workers to recognize the mistake?



But the real mistake...is charging over $700 for it anyway! My right ring finger did not slip there. I don't mean $70 (which is still too much!) I really did mean OVER $700. Like they thought, "Shit. Who signed off on this?! We just paid HOW MUCH for this crap? What? Really? Dang. We are not going to sell very many of these so we better make a play out of the pharmaceutical handbook and recoup the cost up front."

Mother's Day PSA

So...this is what breast cancer looks like.




And, quite thankfully for me today, it is also what it does NOT look like. (Is it inappropriate to hug the ultrasound tech while topless and sticky from the gel? I hope not. Somehow...I suspect she gets that a lot.)

Check yourself. Check your partner. Remind a friend.

Field Notes:

(Lessons learned after a long day at the Zoo with 7 year olds.)

1. Stop at the first bathroom you see and make them all use it after the bus ride. Seriously. I don't care if they went at school. Because one of these corners you come around is bound to have a waterfall. It might be penguins. Might be bears. For us it was Sea Otters. Either way you will have at least one soggy child for the next 4 hours. (It starts to smell about 18 minutes in.)

2. Chances are, kids can climb on things where you are going. You can let them as long as more than half their body mass is on the right side of the obstacle. Kneeling on the rim of the Tide Pool exhibit and leaning in to pet the starfish does not meet this requirement.

3. It is a good idea to bring a small bag with an extra sweatshirt in it. This is especially important if the day is chilly. Also...see #2.

4. Any sentence that begins with "I want..." can, and should, be ignored.

5. Manage expectations. I cannot stress this enough. Tell them on the bus that you will not be buying them treats at the zoo. And then...don't buy them treats at the zoo. When you see weak-willed chaperones who have a group of kids covered in snow cone juice, feel free to tsk-tsk and shake your head in their direction.

6. Never forget you are a pack. If you do not assume the role of Alpha one of them will. Are you familiar with the work of William Golding?

7. Sometimes the most amazing part of the day happens by accident. Today...it wasn't the nesting Trumpeter Swans on exhibit. It was the wild Canada Goose who was warming her freshly hatched babies under her wings. No one needed a colorful sign with things to flip or buttons to push. The boys sat still and just watched the mama. They asked other kids to stop hissing at her because hisses are warnings and threats. They discussed how the color of the babies helped them blend in to the world around them. And then, if you are lucky, one of the boys will look at you and say, "Wow. Look how we are all getting along nicely now."

Daily Vocab

Today we have two words: extortion and monopoly. Both words are brought to you by Miss M and her clever, clever brain that is built for planning. And also for finding the advantage in a situation. Both useful skills, no doubt. They will get you places in life. But not necessarily when used together and in this way and in MY house.

See, she has checked out ALL of the Calvin and Hobbes books from the Public Library. She is hoarding them in her room. And she is trying to charge her brothers 10 cents for 15 minutes access to the stash.

my 10:30

I have a 10:30 appointment on my calendar today. 10:30-11:30 is what I entered. I even highlighted it in the correct color to let me know it was something for me, specifically, to go do and not one of the other 4 people whose calendars I keep track of.

I like having my calendar updated and accurate. It is settling for me. But I do recognize I am generally more off the wagon than on it. But right now I am ON IT, baby! I am color coded, updated, and backed up. I am so on the wagon that I am driving the damn thing. Yee Haw! I'm organized and in charge!

Except...

I didn't type in what it is I am supposed to be doing at 10:30.

See, one day last week I sat down with loose bits of paper and appointment reminders and put them all in the program. I called doctors and dentists and got that all squared away too. And everything I can remember entering or scheduling is still in there. The only glitch is this odd 10:30 thing with no identifying information attached.

I am very sorry if you are supposed to be my 10:30. I will not be there. If you happen to call me at 9:30 or 10:00 to confirm I will rush on over. But if you call me at 10:45 or 11:00 to reschedule I won't be able to answer the phone. I will be hiding under the covers in shame.

Please leave a detailed message. I don't do so well with vagueness.

Followup: Now I feel better

And this is all it took:

1. A tiny little woman at Sam's Club buying 2 gallons of prune juice, 3 bags of dried prunes, 10 pounds of apples, and bulk stool softener. Whatever I have going wrong in the facial hair department, the rest of that stuff is working fine.

2. An odd conversation with the cart-checker as I tried to leave Sam's Club. It went like this:

Her: What the heck is THAT? (peering into my cart)

Me: Cupcakes. With plastic baseballs on them. I think they are rings.

Her: In that canister?

Me: Oh, that. That's the second of 2 items in my cart.

Her: (not going to give me a smiley face until I tell her what is in the plastic container)

Me: Does it matter?

Her: .

Me: Fine. They are hacky sacks. 32 crocheted hacky sacks.

Her: WHAT?

Me: They are toys. For my son's class. To give out with the cupcakes...

Her: Hrumph. (just a bright pink line on my receipt)

3. If older people get to behave like that anytime anyplace...sign me UP!

Feeling old

It is not because I turn 38 in a few weeks.

It is not because my last baby turns 7 today.

It is not because I am likely to be black and blue again from my mammogram later today.

It is not even because I have had to come to terms with the fact that I will be plucking that one chin whisker for the rest of my life. The one I have written into my Health Care Directive. The one my kids have to PROMISE to remove from my chin when they visit me in the Home. Because if the mortician has to do that for me none-a-y'all are getting a penny. The bulk of my estate will go to start a program to fund electrolysis for the elderly and infirm.

It is because I found a crazy nose hair this morning.

And because now I have to rewrite my Health Care Directive AND my will.

She's a Rude Mutha

Little C has been taking Tap Dancing classes for a few weeks now. He LOVES it. Or should I say, he LOVES making noise and looking at himself in a room of mirrors surrounded by girls. Just now he told me, as we drove home from class, that he wants to choreograph a piece for the school talent show.

(Insert grinning mother.)

He thought Yellow Submarine would be a good song choice but I told him we should listen to a few songs before he picks one.

(Insert Rihanna's Rude Boy on the car radio.)

Little C: Oh! This song has a good beat. I could dance to this one.

Alpha: Well...I am not sure this song is a good choice.

Little C: Why not?

Alpha: Well...some of the words make it not appropriate for school or for kids.

Little C: Well...YOU sing it.

Alpha: ...touche.