The Sport of Bra Shopping

Let me start this by letting you all know that bras are not a casual subject with me.  They have to (pardon me) pull some weight around here if they are going to make it into my regular rotation.  As a rule, I do not buy bras from anyone under the age of 35.  Yes.  I am discriminatory.  But I simply cannot stand one more perky-breasted little 19 year old handing me some lacy little thing with spaghetti straps telling me this bra is perfect on everyone.

If you line up all of the bras you have ever owned and all you can spell is "AAA-AA-A-B-B" then I do not even want to talk to you.  I can spell "D-O-D-E-C-A-H-E-D-R-O-N".  I wonder if they see me coming and panic, like the servers at an all you can eat buffet when John Goodman walks in.

But not today.  

I was relieved to see a woman about my age working the back room at Victoria's Secret today.  I went straight to the new "Perfect One" knowing I was taking a risk.  That whole individualized Bio Fit fiasco (yes they were tears...no they were not mine...but if you don't have breasts you should not be selling bras!) came flashing back.  That whole "sister size" theory they have is a load of excrement.  

I never noticed before that those doors do not lock from the inside.  Only the Key Master, Wielder of The Tape Measure can open those doors.  And she did.  While I was changing.  I had pulled a shirt over the bra to see how the girls looked in a real-life situation.  I bent over to make sure we wouldn't be pouring out of the top.  I did that little shakey thing.  I felt like they were pointing a little East and West when viewed from the North.  But I guess I was taking too long for the Key Master.  She knocked and yelled something at me to which I replied something that sounded uncertain about this purchase.  I guess that meant feel free to come on in and feel me up.

Because she did.

She stood behind me and grabbed the sides of my boobers with her tiny hands and started talking a mile a minute about how this is a perfect fit and how the shape was great and the placement was good because they were within the framework of my ribcage.  I apologized for being so sweaty.  When I questioned the wide angle they were pointing at she came around to the front of me and leaned in to get a better look.  If I had hiccuped right then, she could have lost an eye.  So she grabs them again and tells me the angle works because of the good separation and that my nipples were lined up fine.  Then she dried her hands on her pants and left the room.  Was I supposed to tip her for that?

By the time I had my own underpinnings back on and was ready to go she had three more bras listed on a little card for me to try on.  I was so nervous!  No one has ever bossed me around at the bra shop before.  I did not like it one bit.  But neither did I know how to make her stop so I just bought the damn bra.  

I am making Moose return it for me tomorrow.