cheap remedy

So the gnat bite on the corner of my eye puffed up and filled in those crow's feet quite nicely. For about 2 minutes. Since I happen to be allergic to gnats, I now look like a prize fighter who lost the prize.

Have you ever had your foundation rocked? Not in a "damn...that was...wow, baby!" as you catch your breath kind of way. Though, if you get to choose, that's the one to pick.

I don't mean the "Do you wanna rock!?" variety either. Though, as our list is growing here, that one takes third. Right after, "Want to see my rock collection?"

I was referring to the kind of rocking where you know you will never get up off the floor again. It is not even a question. In fact, if you have ever been dropped like that and you have the where with all to even ask a question then you are only getting close to what I mean.

And if you do get up (and I really hope you do) it is only because the doorbell rang. And standing on the other side of it is a young man offering his tree trimming services for a really great deal because he happens to be in the neighborhood today doing some work for a house around the corner. You'll say "yes" because nothing else will come out of your mouth. And he'll ask you which trees...

And you'll say...

"all of them."

"They don't all need trimming, Maam."

"just cut them all down. all of them."

He'll look nervously over his shoulder to the truck full of his co-workers. They'll be hanging out of the windows looking for a breeze. You will notice that they sent the cute, clean one with all of his teeth to the door. Smart marketing move.

"Um. Are you ok?" he'll ask.

You don't have any questions. You will wonder if you even have any more answers. That "yes...all of them" took a lot out of you. Turns out you only have one more.

"no."

He'll hand you a flyer printed on neon green cardstock. 1/3 of a page. Cut a bit crookedly by hand.

"We'll, um, be in the neighborhood for a couple of days," he'll add.

You'll look in his eyes as he backs away while offering a shyly concerned smile. You will know that he recognizes you. Not you, exactly. But the look in your eyes. The emptiness in your words. The trembling of your hands.

And you'll go back to the floor.

You'll listen to the neighbor's tree branches being chipped and shredded and wonder if the nice boy with all those teeth has been on the floor.

...

Many years later you might experience a moderate rocking sensation again. You may even scout out locations on the floor. But you will be surprised to find yourself looking out a window and thinking how glad you are that you still have all your trees.

Little Old Lady Dog

Sweet Tanner is rather deaf. But I can't complain because she is still jumping into the car and stealing bones from the neighbor dogs at the age of 16. Today I was watching her bark to go outside. I was sitting right by her, she just didn't know it. And being hard of hearing, she barks pretty loud just to hear herself.

So loud, in fact, that her front feet come right off the ground!

fallen apples

This morning when I kissed my little boys to wake them I was again reminded of the cutest compulsive behavior...ever. If you don't believe me, read on dear visitor. But don't say I didn't warn you.

Whenever I kiss Big C or Little C they automatically tap the place I kissed and then press their hands together as if in prayer. They will even do it when in lighter stages of sleep. But they always do it when awake. EVEN if I sneak a kiss in when I pick them up at school. If I kiss them more than once, they will tap and press the exact number of times I made a smooch noise.

And if that didn't get you this might. If they are awake they whisper, "collect it save it." It is the most love-y gesture.

(Miss M has some compulsions too. Like she has to interrupt whatever she is saying if we drive by a Wal-Mart Sam's Club tractor trailer and she says very rapidly, "walmartsamsclub," and then carries on like nothing odd just happened. It is quirky Miss M all the way. And, in my own odd way, I find it as endearing as the "collect it save it" habit.)

Dressing Room Conversation

Lucky: hmmm? i'm not sure that calvin klein shirt is doing you any favors.

Alpha: What? Who said that? (looks around sees no one)

Lucky: know who that shirt would look good on? a 12 year old boy. might want to swing over to intimate apparel too, dear. or maybe just shorten those straps. it'll help.

Alpha: It's you! (takes the sweater down from its hanger)

Lucky: (sigh) that feels better. now shrug up those straps before you try me on.

Alpha: (does what she was told and pulls the sweater over her head) Say now! You are one cute sweater. And look at that! Somewhere between you and my new haircut...my neck looks long!

Lucky: yah. i get that a lot. people love me.

Alpha: You are a deep-v, banded bottom, kimono sleeved hoody, what's not to love? And you feel very soft right off the rack.

Lucky: yah. like you've had me for ages, right? i'm kinda known for that. it's the long cotton fibers. i wash well too.

Alpha: Those are great qualities in a sweater. So why the apathy?

Lucky: hmm. people love me...they just don't $100 love me. i'd say they more like $60 love me. so here i hang. waiting for a markdown.

Alpha: Someone will $100 love you! They will! You just have to be patient. But she'll come for you. I just know it. Maybe if you were a little...I don't know....maybe if you just sighed a little less.

Lucky: what? and act all i.n.c.? like "i know you are a mother of two but if you wear me you can keep those memories of being a slightly-slutty club-hopping 20 year old fresh for a bit longer."

Alpha: I KNOW! Right!? No, I didn't mean like that. 'Cause that's just gross. I was trying to suggest that you have a lot going for you so smile about it! You are a classic color with some amazing details. You are a go-to closet staple, my friend. Not some trendy thing that will get left at the cleaners because someone forgot to come and get you. You can go with dark trouser jeans and heels and look appropriate for a nice dinner out. Or a pair of bermuda khakis and sandals and be right at home at a summer bridal shower. You can even go over a tank with a long skirt and flip-flops and pull off the midwest surfer thing that is so popular.

Lucky: surfer?

Alpha: I know we're functionally land-locked. What can I say?

Lucky: (sigh)

Alpha: There you go with the mournful exhale again.

Lucky: it's just...

Alpha: What? You are talking to me in a box of mirrors...we have no secrets here, Lucky. What is it?

Lucky: it's just that...well...it's not you. you don't $100 love me either. i can tell.

Alpha: It's true.

Lucky: you don't have to smile about it.

Alpha: But I know something you do not know! (pulls something from her purse)

Lucky: (dares to smile) you don't!

Alpha: I DO! And...it's for 20% off. Lucky, darling, today is your day! I $80 love you!

Lucky: you do!? I thought you might be the one when I saw your Artist Circle bag. something about an embroidered bird saying, "Peace!" made me think it might be you! i feel so...lucky!

Alpha: Me too!

Oh, the shame of it!

This is a silk blouse. Top designer. Very upper end. Styled and photographed by professionals which means...this is as good as it will look! I cannot tell you the name of the designer because I can empathize with his or her GROSS embarrassment with this product.

See, I think it must have been some sort of accident. Like a sample from The Vermont Country Store fell in with the samples from this designer at the manufacturing facility overseas. And how could one expect underpaid, undereducated, underage workers to recognize the mistake?



But the real mistake...is charging over $700 for it anyway! My right ring finger did not slip there. I don't mean $70 (which is still too much!) I really did mean OVER $700. Like they thought, "Shit. Who signed off on this?! We just paid HOW MUCH for this crap? What? Really? Dang. We are not going to sell very many of these so we better make a play out of the pharmaceutical handbook and recoup the cost up front."

Mother's Day PSA

So...this is what breast cancer looks like.




And, quite thankfully for me today, it is also what it does NOT look like. (Is it inappropriate to hug the ultrasound tech while topless and sticky from the gel? I hope not. Somehow...I suspect she gets that a lot.)

Check yourself. Check your partner. Remind a friend.