The Reason For The Season

Little C is under the impression that the holiday lighting is part of his nightclub act. He keeps hauling my kitchen stool in next to the tree....

....and singing Queen's "I Want It All."

Oh, Sweet Baby!

Little C: Am I anything the same compared to what I was when I was little?

Mama: Oh. Yes. You are the same but bigger than when you were little.

Little C: No. I mean, is any part of my body the same as when I was little?

Mama: Oh. That. Just your eyes, Dear.

Little C: What about the rest of me?

Mama: All bigger.

Little C: (Twisted consternation across his face. Clearly, not enough of an answer.)

Mama: (Searching for satisfactory ending to discussion.) Do you feel different than when you were a baby?

Little C: How would I know? I forgot what I felt like as a baby.

Mama: Darling One, I will never, ever forget what you felt like as a baby. (SMOOCH)

Sane Advice

The thought process/action/lingering consequence that lead me to discover this truth was certainly an insane one. So I offer this little gift to you all:

Do not use your vacuum cleaner to tidy up after spilling a packet of Kraft's Cheesiest Cheese Powder. It might seem like the best way to get it out of every crevice in your bamboo floor. You may see no alternative to cleanse the knotty bits of your knotty alder cabinets. But do not do it! That smell will never, ever go away. Your house will smell like crappy convenience food every time you clean. And, should you be a super-smeller like me, one day you might just realize that your floors are a mess because you are avoiding that wave of nausea associated with the vacuum. (Damn you Pavlov!)

Plus, you will save yourself the hollow shame of having to put "new vacuum that does not smell of cheese powder" on your list for Santa on Line One which should be reserved exclusively for "little blue box with big white ribbon."

An Apple A Day...

"That poor piggy was in the orchard when they killed him."

(What Miss M said, very pitifully, when she was 3 and saw a suckling pig at a Hawaiian Luau.)

Dear Cygnets,

Remember all those times I tried to debunk the whole "step on a crack" nonsense? Sure you do. I would talk about how silly superstitions are. And that they are a tool used by the weak minded so they can pretend they have some control in an unpredictable world? Now do you remember?

Oh! Oh! And the funny part when we would stomp on every crack we could find and I'd laugh and say, "See! Not broken!" Remember that too?

Good. Because I take it back. Stop stepping on lines now, please.

-Alpha Mama

Data-Based Decision Making

Sometimes a good old bar graph can help put things in perspective. And sometimes, data collection only leads to more questions. Like: how can the smallest person, with the tiniest clothes, produce the most laundry?

Display of my Psychic Powers

The day will come when you will need to ask this question. And then you will think you need to call me. But know that I have already thought of you thinking it...and am providing the answer in advance. No. Not having any clean clothes is NOT an excusable absence at school. Turns out, it is most definitely inexcusable.